There are a few reasons I started this blog. I LOVE to reflect and remember specific details. I also love to write when I need to process things. This entry might be a little more specific than I normally am...but it helps me process and feel better. Not that I am warning you, but consider yourself aware that I am not having so much a pity party....but just trying to process this.
Jamie and I aren't in the best financial shape. We are aware of it but find many other blessings in our lives. We have beautiful children, we have each other, we have the Lord, wonderful friends, family, and support. But when it comes to the green stuff...it's just our "lot" to go without it.
Recently I tried to apply for assistance with food stamps and with health care for my girls. I submitted all the documents I could and called to check on it and they told me even more documents to send...and then a third time. The last time I called I asked if there were anymore documents they needed proving that I was an existing person on the planet and they told me two more things and reassured me that I could relax. YEA. Today I got a HUGE packet in the mail as if I had just applied for assistance, asking me to send in all of the documents over again plus four more items, one including a letter from family video, stating that I not only had resigned but that I was not working very much in November because I was transferring. I. am. so. frustrated. I don't understand why it should be so hard to get help. I do realize that this is tax money we are using, I do realize that we have become apart of the system. But I am looking for work even though we only have one vehicle and Jamie already works 50ish hours a week...which are at the most random times and really make it difficult for anyone to want to hire me around his schedule (GASP) sorry that was totally a run-on sentence. But I am so irritated. Why is it that hard working people have a hard time finding things. It was just a slap in the face...as I had convinced myself that this was the week that we would find some ease. Unfortunately, it is just another process.
I just want to move on from this. I want to be able to afford nicer, healthier foods to feed my family. Why is it cheaper to eat at McDonald's then to make filling salads for my family? Why do I have to open up cans of ravioli instead of being able to make something lean and healthy and not injected with salt. (Don't get me wrong at least we are eating right?) I just don't understand. And the financial thing is just something I process over and over and over again. Do you tell people about it? I don't want to be prideful and withhold it but I don't want to make people have a pity party over me. I am trying to embrace this life the best I can but sometimes I am just discouraged and left wondering why we are still in this predicament. It's embracing when people want to eat out and we have to make an excuse why we cant. I don't want to be rude and not tell them why but I don't want them to feel obligated to pay. Also I would invite them over but many times we don't even have enough to make a complete meal. This last month was pretty good...don't get me wrong ....I just for see a famine ahead. (I don't mean literally) SO...do I just buy the groceries I need now and worry about the bills when they get shut off? Do you trust God to give you food? Or do you trust God to pay your bills? I don't know. I really don't
Lord, I know you are in control of all things. I know that you know my heart. I want to serve you in the best way I know how and if this is the way to serve you, through humbling myself and enduring this harder path, then please give me strength to keep walking it and please allow me to trust you entirely. I do give You praise, You are always a Rock in good and bad times. And You are always good. Help me to keep that in mind.
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