Resurfacing Regrets

Sometimes you do things that you regret and when you think you are past it, or you think it is over, it can resurface. It can resurface when you feel like you are living your life for the Lord and that you have overcome these things. How do you deal with past regrets?


My family has some financial regret, things we wish we could change, things we would do differently and now we see where we have consequences for it years later. All of this resurfaced this last week. While I know we dealt with out regret in the best way, and I know that we did everything we could have...it still hurts and is still hard to face this.


When I reflecting on all this I realized sometimes I feel guilty still over past relationships, or the way I lived life in the past. I am noticing that it can be a pattern with me to feel bad or feel lack of closure. I find myself thinking, why was I so stupid and how can I ever make up for that.


This song by Tenth Avenue North is awesome. I have heard it before but just never listened to all the words till the other day and it just broke down all my walls. God is in control and while we have past regrets and present consequences, it does not change the fact that we are forgiven no matter what. It does not change the fact that God loves us and purifies us. We still have to go on through the consequences and deal with it in the right way. I remember my mom telling her friends one time that God hurts when we hurt "You tell your children not to put their hand on a stove, but they do anyway. You told them not to for a reason and now you cry because they cry." It is the perfect metaphor.

You may have regrets that are far more than finances or that other people may think are petty. But to you they are personal and to God they are also. He knows your heart. Just break down your walls and let the healing begin.

Finding My Cushion in God

God is a good God, and I trust Him. Sometimes it is really hard to trust Him, maybe not trust Him, but find Hope. I feel like Hope is hard to find right now. I am going to be pretty real in this post. Jamie and I went several weeks ago to have our taxes done. We were told we were getting around 7000 back. You can imagine how excited we were...the thought of stability and savings, catching up on bills, health care, a will and life insurance...we had all kinds of plans for this lump sum. The weeks came by and no check...yesterday I received a letter in the mail saying the U.S. Department of Treasury had taken nearly all of it for Jamie's student loans. It's fair, he owed them, it was there money, they took it. It also really sucks. I find myself disturbed at how upset I am over the loss of money. The Bible says Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10b)   I feel like we seek out the Lord and His will for nearly everything. Why do we as a community put so much emphasis on money. I was going to rely on that cushion, instead of allowing God to be my cushion. Here I am back to square one. I don't know if that is why this happened, to allow me to learn something, or to see how I would react. I mean we had great plans...we were going to pay some small debts, give to the church, get things we felt we actually needed. All of it came to a halt and I just find myself...empty. I am even reduced to selling some things just so we can make it this month. Humility seems to be a theme in my life. I know that the people who are in our lives don't measure us as a family and as individuals on our credit score or how much we have saved, but I do feel we are back to being this needy family. I thought we had finally broken through this wall. Please pray for me, that I will lean on the Lord and find cushion in Him. I do trust Him...I choose to, but right now it's not a hopeful trust. His plans are better than mine, its so funny because we thought we had it all layed out for us. We will see what happens.

Awakening

I have so much going through my head in these last few days.... maybe even weeks. I just don't even know how I will put it all into writing.

I feel like I have just been woken up, or sort of...I don't know just "seen the light" on some issues in my life.

I know that I talk about our financial situation a lot. And I just really think I have finally come to terms with it. Really. We got a letter in the mail the other day saying that our daughters were denied health care because of lack of such and such document. Instead of sitting down and moping and crying I just thought...ok God has a different plan, maybe He just needs us to wait for some reason. So I am going to reapply and that is that. Its ok. I just know that we are a privileged family, with lots of love and great friends and family and church family and cats :) and our Faith. I can't have everything you know? I am going to ride this out and we will get better, when God says it's time. I am sure I have blogged things like this in the past but I just am not willing to let it get me down anymore. I don't mind talking about it, I'm not prideful about it, it is what it is and its fine.

Jamie was standing in the bathroom yesterday, I don't even remember what he was doing, and I was putting the girls' dirty clothes in the hamper and they had just gone to bed. And I just realized that life is amazing. For no reason at all, it just hit me. I am never going to have this part back. I may be old one day with my children in far off lands and my husband gone...and this is the time I will be reminiscing over, this is the time I will be wishing I had...I just want to embrace it all because I realize that life will throw curve balls at me and I just don't want to miss this. I love this. I embrace what is to come...but I just love what I have now. God is so good, isn't He? I am just overwhelmed at His goodness and His love towards me. And I realize everyday just how selfish I can be in demanding and expecting more than all that I have in front of me.

That being said...my next thought...what am I offering the world? I hear amazing lyrics from people, or read amazing stories, or see these huge actions that people are taking...and what am I doing? Don't get me wrong, I do a lot in my home and I do what I can for those in my home...but how can I be reaching this lost and hurting world? So many people who just need a hand or just need to know that there is Someone who loves them and is walking next to them. I go through this all the time in my mind. It's time to do something. Blog, write a song, write a book...I don't even know but I am praying about it and I am going to do it. Whatever "it" is. I want to be inspired and I want to put it into words for someone out there.

You may think this post seems emotional or overly passionate...maybe it is...but it is truly from my heart and truly what I want. I want my children to be humble and giving without even questioning it...not by forcing it on them or pounding it into their head, but hopefully by my lifestyle. God is amazing and He can do amazing things through those who intentionally seek Him and look for Him.I can clean up around the edges.... I want to be that person, that vessel. It's time to get over myself and become self-less.

Tough times continue....but God is STILL good

There are a few reasons I started this blog. I LOVE to reflect and remember specific details. I also love to write when I need to process things. This entry might be a little more specific than I normally am...but it helps me process and feel better. Not that I am warning you, but consider yourself aware that I am not having so much a pity party....but just trying to process this.

Jamie and I aren't in the best financial shape. We are aware of it but find many other blessings in our lives. We have beautiful children, we have each other, we have the Lord, wonderful friends, family, and support. But when it comes to the green stuff...it's just our "lot" to go without it.

Recently I tried to apply for assistance with food stamps and with health care for my girls. I submitted all the documents I could and called to check on it and they told me even more documents to send...and then a third time. The last time I called I asked if there were anymore documents they needed proving that I was an existing person on the planet and they told me two more things and reassured me that I could relax. YEA. Today I got a HUGE packet in the mail as if I had just applied for assistance, asking me to send in all of the documents over again plus four more items, one including a letter from family video, stating that I not only had resigned but that I was not working very much in November because I was transferring. I. am. so. frustrated. I don't understand why it should be so hard to get help. I do realize that this is tax money we are using, I do realize that we have become apart of the system. But I am looking for work even though we only have one vehicle and Jamie already works 50ish hours a week...which are at the most random times and really make it difficult for anyone to want to hire me around his schedule (GASP) sorry that was totally a run-on sentence. But I am so irritated. Why is it that hard working people have a hard time finding things. It was just a slap in the face...as I had convinced myself that this was the week that we would find some ease. Unfortunately, it is just another process.
I just want to move on from this. I want to be able to afford nicer, healthier foods to feed my family. Why is it cheaper to eat at McDonald's then to make filling salads for my family? Why do I have to open up cans of ravioli instead of being able to make something lean and healthy and not injected with salt. (Don't get me wrong at least we are eating right?) I just don't understand. And the financial thing is just something I process over and over and over again. Do you tell people about it? I don't want to be prideful and withhold it but I don't want to make people have a pity party over me. I am trying to embrace this life the best I can but sometimes I am just discouraged and left wondering why we are still in this predicament. It's embracing when people want to eat out and we have to make an excuse why we cant. I don't want to be rude and not tell them why but I don't want them to feel obligated to pay. Also I would invite them over but many times we don't even have enough to make a complete meal. This last month was pretty good...don't get me wrong ....I just for see a famine ahead. (I don't mean literally) SO...do I just buy the groceries I need now and worry about the bills when they get shut off? Do you trust God to give you food? Or do you trust God to pay your bills? I don't know. I really don't

Lord, I know you are in control of all things. I know that you know my heart. I want to serve you in the best way I know how and if this is the way to serve you, through humbling myself and enduring this harder path, then please give me strength to keep walking it and please allow me to trust you entirely. I do give You praise, You are always a Rock in good and bad times. And You are always good. Help me to keep that in mind.