Ok then...

Today is not the ideal day. I do realize these days do happen and will happen....BUT today I just want to be completely unproductive and eat chocolate until I pass out.

Jusi (Justice) is sick. My poor girl. She has thrown up (on me) 4 times in the last half hour. Poor thing...along with being congested, she is not having an ideal day.

Juju is being two. Ok then...not an ideal day

Jamie is being written up at work for something he has nothing to do with! (Drawer was short 20 dollars this morning....he did not close last night. They are saying it's his fault since he took a deposit in the afternoon. Makes. no. sense.) So he may have to pay it back and may get a write up which he is disputing because he did nothing wrong which means...I dont even know. Also we found out he is getting paid 1/4 less a month than what we though. No an ideal day

So here I am giving it to You, Lord. There is nothing I can do with this not ideal day....but I know that You can use it, mold it, fix it....so please just do what You have to.

"Motherly" advice

THE worst thing...you can ever do...like ever... is compare some one's kids. I have had one too many times now "I cant wait for her (points at littlest one) to be her(points at toddler) age" I wont go in to detail, but way too many people have told me that now. I know they do not realize they come off that way...but for me, my daughters are both equally adorable and equally holdable....so please...treat them equal. "oh well she isn't really at the stage I like (pointing at Justice)" Please...break my heart. Once again people don't realize how often they say this and how it comes off. And no, I do not feel I am being to emotional about it because I know of other mothers who feel the same. I think this is why people say I "spoil" Justice and why I won't put her down. Because I am making up for everyone else who runs to Jubilee instead. Both of my daughters are fantastic....size, shape, weight, and age factor into that.

OK. I have said my piece. How would you deal with this?

Sadness

I have been pretty "high" lately on the idea of moving to lower cost of living and back near family and friends and familiarity....

BUT at the same time I am way sad. I was looking through the pictures of the Brantners/Lords in Myrtle Beach (-1) and I am just sad. I am leaving them all behind...I mean Dave and Stac and Jessica and Bryan are in other states....but they have all become family. Not just church family but like my actual family. Kirk and Joyce have been here through both of my pregnancies and my girls getting bigger, and break downs in my life and just everything...good and bad. And I love them. And all four of thier children. Even though thier kids live in other states I feel like I am moving away from the connection. And...I am crying. So Emo....Why does life have to change? I know this is a dumb question and I know there are seasons but...I just want this part of my life to live on and some how mesh with my other life. And my church, oh my word...what will we do without Deb and Chris and Andy and Dan and Mrs. Rose and Pete and Norma...and everyone. I know it is coming and I have to deal with it. Sunday is our last day at our church and for some reason I said...yes put me on worship team which is like saying...yes, put a mic in my hand so I can sing/cry in front of everybody. Blah

This weekend...

I laughed with amazing people...

I had good conversations....

I cried for a friend...

I cried with a friend...

I slept in....

I worked...

Someone I knew died...

I found out someone I know is expecting! (no it is not me Barbara :})...

I ate amazing food...

Drank amazing tea and coffee...

I would say this weekend was full of all kinds of emotions and life situations....

God is good.

Not Ideal....

*There may be some emotional moments in this posting, or things that make you say...uhm no thank you....to having kids. You have been warned! ; ) *

SO the weekend before Justice came, Jamie and I decided we needed to take Jubilee on an outing...kind of a last time being just the three of us and just giving her attention before her new Sissy came. We took Juju to Lamb's Farm...a place that really pulls at my heart strings. Lamb's Farm is a place that employs and supports individuals with disabilities. Juju had so much fun! They have a petting zoo, putt putt, train ride, bakery, pet store, and cafe.....which brings me to the beginning of a nightmare.

We decided to eat at the cafe for lunch...and Jamie and myself woke up the next morning both sick as dogs....food poisoning. Yuck. We stuck Juju in her high chair in front of the TV with food and cartoons and we both slept in our recliners until my parents came. Around 8 or 9 Jamie was finally able to keep some Gatorade down...unfortunately I did not keep anything down, which sent me into labor at 1 in the morning. SO hardly even visiting with my parents we left Jubilee with them and went to the ER where I was admitted for 8 hours. Even after two bags of IV fluids I was still dehydrated but labor had subsided (apparently dehydration can send a pregnant lady into labor.) They allowed me to go home for a day. Literally 24 hours. Then back to the hospital.

I had a hard time in prep for surgery. I didn't like the spinal they gave me to numb me and i definitely didn't like that fact that I couldn't move once I had it. Last time when I had my epidural Jamie was right there but this time it was just me in the OR. Freaky. I tried to be really strong but I'm just not that strong of a person. I remember just laying on the table trying with all my might not to freak out and tears just running down my cheeks. Jamie FINALLY came in after what felt like a life time. I don't know what I would have done without him...what would I do without being able to draw strength and courage from him? I found myself telling him I didn't know if I could ever do this again. I don't know why I was so scared this time compared to last time.

Surgery took about an hour and I finally heard Justice's little voice. It was hard being able to see her but not be able to hold her. She was so swollen and puffy. Jamie's eyes got red as he held her and I could tell he was getting choked up. They took her to the nursery assuring me I would see her right after recovery.

Recovery hour came and we went and a couple more hours passed and by this time I was pretty much telling my nurses to GET MY KID! I can't tell you the feeling I felt when I was finally able to hold her. I didn't really know what to expect because this entire pregnancy has been so surreal to me. But Justice=bliss...she is amazing.

As soon as she came I called my parents SOOOO excited that they would finally be able to come and see her, only to find out that my Mom was sick and wouldn't be able to come that night. I was devastated but decided it would be OK and tomorrow would be better. Unfortunately the next day (Tues) my Dad was sick. So they came for an hour that evening...just to look at her and unable to hold her. My parents left that night and that was the last I saw them before they went home. They were unable to hold Justice and I wasn't even able to hug or kiss my dad goodbye. I have tears in my eyes every time I think about it. (In fact I am crying right now re-living this stuff).

I know things could have been a lot worse....I am so thankful because my baby girl and myself are good and we are healthy. But it is so hard that no one has really wanted/or have been able to come see us. His Dad and Brother have a lot going on, his mom is in Alabama and my Brother is in Korea....I don't really expect many others to come and see us. So it makes me upset that the two people who were able to come/ made such a huge effort to come....were hardly able to see us or Justice. The upside is that they spent LOTS AND LOTS of time with Jubilee and I know that was precious to them. Thankfully my good friend Rachel came for a couple of days and that helped for sure. I miss my parents though and just can't wait for November to get here so I can see them and my brother.

Sometimes I get lonely out here in the burbs....especially with one vehicle and limited friends in the area. I know tomorrow is going to be a hard day (Jamie starts his new job). BUT I am going to try my very hardest to stay focused on all the positive tomorrow. Two amazing little girls, an amazing husband, a wonderful church family, a van : ), jobs, shelter, food, health....we really are blessed. I just need to keep all of that in mind when I feel so far away from the ones I love.