Untitled

  I was thinking yesterday of the many different phases that I have had in my life. There are so many. Then I think of all the ways I have grown and all the ways I could have failed. I this and I that...but it really comes down to God. He has always been so faithful to me.

I recall times where I have sat in my car crying and crying and just praying that God would be faithful to me because I just didn't know how to find Him or be faithful to Him. I can recall times where I was so hurt and so inside my own reality and just didn't know how loved I could be. I can remember times where I was all alone and didn't know how I would ever find good company and if I was even worth hanging out with. There were times that I felt I had failed everyone and there were times I felt everyone had failed me. There were times where I thought that the world wouldn't notice if I were here or not.

I've had times where I just didn't know if we were going to make ends meet and if things would ever add up. I have had doubts and been humbled and humiliated in front of my dearest friends. Some of those times I have found my dearest friends and couldn't be more thankful.

I can remember times where I felt so much hurt for others that I just didn't know if I could carry all of it. I have seen so much happen around me and realized how broken of a world we are in. Christ just allows me to bleed for others hurts.

There are soooo many "I"s in all of that...but it was God who brought me through. He has redeemed me, made me completely whole. He has brought me out of the darkest and most uncertain times and showed me who He is and how much He loves me. No matter how many people fail me (and certainly everyone fails everyone at one point in their lives) or how many people I fail...how many walk away or how many leave this earth...God is still there. He has provided in every aspect of my life. Relationships, family, health, love, possessions, need and even wants. I have beautiful children and the most incredible husband. I have friends all over the map who would go above and beyond to support me. Best of all, I have Christ and His redeeming Love. I am nothing without Him and I am so thankful that He is the one thing in this world...through all the bad and finite....He is the thing that can never be taken from me.

I am so blessed and so thankful for God's hand in my life.

Relationships

 I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. They are quite the mystery to me. I know that everyone goes through changes in relationships, a lot of them are just seasons in our lives. Sometimes I am baffled at how close I am to someone, or how much I look up to them, only to discover we weren't close at all or they weren't who I thought they were. Also it amazes me when I have known someone for years and years and just kind of maintained an acquaintance with them until one day it blossoms into a deeper friendship and love. Then there are the people I have  never liked and never will like; the people I have always been close to and will always fight to be close to.

 I can think of several people who fit into each category. Sometimes it is hard....after a while I start to feel as though I don't want to get close to anyone else, or I don't have room in my heart for another friend who just evaporates after time. BUT when I stop and think about it, I really do think that God allows certain people into my life. While I am only close to some of them for a while, I can see where I learned something from them or from the relationship I had with them. Sometimes it just sucks though...I think I know someone and then BAM I am just hit upside the head with who they are or where their heart really is. It's in those moments that I have to remember that God is the one I always lean on and focus on...then when people leave my life it just doesn't hurt as much.

If you would have asked me years ago I would have told you that some people would never abandon me....But God also brought lots of unexpected and amazing people into my life AND allowed me to maintain some really important relationships. I guess it is just how life works.

It kind of sucks to think that people are just interchangeable and can be cycled in and out of your life....but sometimes that's the only way I can get through it. I am thankful for the people who have been there in the past and I am super thankful for the people who choose to be there in the future.

I am not a poet

Autumn Reflection

The wind was soft
The breeze was sweet
Took me to a different time

When you and I
Would retreat
From the world and it's stressful design

I could recall
So very clear
The way you made me feel

Your hand in mine
And mine in yours
Your words so surreal

One look from you
And your eyes green
No reason to be scared

As if nothing could
Or ever would
Shake the love we shared

And as I stand here
And reflect
In the gentle breeze of today

I see we have grown
And come so far
In all life's unbalanced ways

I feel I know you
In and out
know you, yourself, true

Being said
You should know
I am still desperate for you