A Reflection

 Sometimes someone tells you a lie. It is usually when you are down and out. It is usually someone you are close to. Someone you trust.

  Sometimes you have to make a choice. You can believe the lie. You can choose to walk away from the lie. You can live in it and dwell in it. You can say, "Lord, could this be true?"

  Sometimes you struggle. You wrestle with the lies. "Must I earn love? Maybe I am not good enough? Maybe I am not who I should be?"

  Sometimes you discover the lie is just that...a lie. You see that you are right where God wants you, and even though it may seem hard, it glorifies Him more than where you think you should be. Where others think you should be.

 Sometimes God sets us out on a long path. A difficult path. He asks you to walk it faithfully. The enemy can try to distract us along this road. We have been set there for a reason.

  Sometimes you remember the hard times. You look and see how far you have come. You have overcame because you have Christ. And He never left you. He walked the walk with you. He made you who you are today. You are beautiful and in good health, you are blessed. You have enough and not too much.

 

Thanking God for how far He has brought me over the years. I feel so much healing and joy in my life. Joy that can spill over into loving my family. Thank you, Lord. For loving me enough to bring me through the hard things and shape me into the beautiful creature I am today.

 

Jeremiah 29:11

   For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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  I was thinking yesterday of the many different phases that I have had in my life. There are so many. Then I think of all the ways I have grown and all the ways I could have failed. I this and I that...but it really comes down to God. He has always been so faithful to me.

I recall times where I have sat in my car crying and crying and just praying that God would be faithful to me because I just didn't know how to find Him or be faithful to Him. I can recall times where I was so hurt and so inside my own reality and just didn't know how loved I could be. I can remember times where I was all alone and didn't know how I would ever find good company and if I was even worth hanging out with. There were times that I felt I had failed everyone and there were times I felt everyone had failed me. There were times where I thought that the world wouldn't notice if I were here or not.

I've had times where I just didn't know if we were going to make ends meet and if things would ever add up. I have had doubts and been humbled and humiliated in front of my dearest friends. Some of those times I have found my dearest friends and couldn't be more thankful.

I can remember times where I felt so much hurt for others that I just didn't know if I could carry all of it. I have seen so much happen around me and realized how broken of a world we are in. Christ just allows me to bleed for others hurts.

There are soooo many "I"s in all of that...but it was God who brought me through. He has redeemed me, made me completely whole. He has brought me out of the darkest and most uncertain times and showed me who He is and how much He loves me. No matter how many people fail me (and certainly everyone fails everyone at one point in their lives) or how many people I fail...how many walk away or how many leave this earth...God is still there. He has provided in every aspect of my life. Relationships, family, health, love, possessions, need and even wants. I have beautiful children and the most incredible husband. I have friends all over the map who would go above and beyond to support me. Best of all, I have Christ and His redeeming Love. I am nothing without Him and I am so thankful that He is the one thing in this world...through all the bad and finite....He is the thing that can never be taken from me.

I am so blessed and so thankful for God's hand in my life.

Where my heart is

 Since Jamie had to work on Sunday, the girls and myself rode with him and then kept going to church. After church we were able to have a nice afternoon hanging out with B and her family. I love hanging out with her because she played a HUGE part in where I am today and how I look at my faith and God's mercy. We always have thought provoking conversations or just talk about our hilarious kiddos or nerdy husbands.


 Sunday we were talking about God and who He is and how hard it has been for me to come out of a harsh mind set that I was stuck in for years. That conversation got me thinking a lot.


 When I broke out of that mind set, I found it was kind of hard to trust all that I had grown up knowing. (This post is not about my upbringing...my parents are amazing and brought me up in the Word and in God's grace, this post is about my own personal growth)  Things like predestination and baptism and women speaking at the pulpit all became foggy to me. I think for a long time I clung to the "Jesus is my buddy stance".


I believe that Christians are so severely divided right now. Some think that God and Jesus are a being that is full of judgement and justified anger. Forgiveness of sins and rebuilding of our life is the important point with them. Others have the view that Jesus is my buddy and friend and we just need to spread the love and love is really the thing that gets everyone through at the end of the day. I know that when I left that "mindset" I clung to the latter. It was just easy to think of Jesus and God that way and not try to go back and reteach and relearn things. Now that I am becoming older, I can see where both stances are true. God is so much more than we allow Him to be. He isn't in a box...He has qualities of both of these groups plus more!


 God has a justified judgement and anger and He does call us to start a new life and put our past behind us.(For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23) He also knows that we struggle and that we live in a broken world. Because of that, He meets us where we are and realizes that there are times that we are hopeless and need Him. (Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28) He understands we won't always be where we should. He demands love and he demands that we give His love to others. (Luke 6:27“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you," 1 John 3:18 My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action." 1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, because love comes from God. Whoever loves is a child of God and knows God.)


All of these aren't separate factors that should be divided and chosen for yourself. They all tie together and all relate. I am not saying I have it all together, I am not saying I know it all. I actually am starting to see that there are things in the Bible or about God's character that I will NEVER understand, and that is okay. God never said we would know all the answers or understand why He does what He does. Quite honestly, some things about God and His plan are not our business to figure out and are just there so that we can trust in His perfect plan and His perfect will and His perfect character.


 With all of this I am seeing there are some ugly truths in the Bible that are hard to accept and believe. I am working on those things and praying for truth and comfort in God's perfect plan. (Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.") BUT I am also seeing that God is full of mercy and love and that He gives us so much that we really are undeserving of.

 I have been really reflective this week, as Easter approaches and tomorrow is good Friday. I wanted to share these thoughts with you and let you know that if you are in a hopeless place, if you are feeling that there is nothing but darkness and despair for you...than God's arms are waiting to hold you and make your life new. Even if you feel like you have your life together or feel like you really are not in a place that needs saving, I encourage you to reflect and see if there isn't an empty part of you that can be filled with new life. It may be a hard road, it may not always make sense, your life still will be filled with hard times and hurt...but in those moments you will have the Greatest Friend and Mentor that you could ever imagine. He will never fail you.