Feeling Less

 A couple good friends and I have been chatting about the subject of comparison and feeling less. Today I have definitely felt myself fall into this feeling of not adding up and it just wasted my day. I spent time thinking about how I could add up in some areas and lost track of what really mattered today. 

 It kind of hit me. The days that I waste feeling less and wishing I added up more are just that. A waste. God sent His precious Son, the perfect lamb and blameless man, to die for my sins. Honestly, I don't have time to sit around and wish I was something I'm not. I need to embrace who Christ has made me to be and do my best. Sure there is room for growth, but sitting here wishing this and that were different and wondering if I add up is not only pointless but a form of covet. I am where I am for a purpose. God not only loves me through it, but He placed me here ❤️

I run, I Walk

 I haven't jogged in two months. I sustained a minor bruise in my heel and it was bad enough that I needed to take a break. That, along with traveling through 7 states in 2 weeks, my grandfather's death, trying to maintain diet and homeschooling, and some personal things going on- it's been far away from my brain.  

Tonight I went out in the cold and a lite dusting of snow and I jogged. I only made it 15 minutes with about 11 of that being jogging. BUT it was much needed and it felt good. 

Jogging is great for me because I am able to do whatever I want to do. I can walk. I can stop. I can push for more. I can think, breath, cry, laugh, pray, smile. All at my own pace. I really missed all of that and so many emotions came flooding to me in the 15 mins I was out. 

 My break and injury in jogging can easily be compared to my emotional state right now. My injury sideswiped me and left me feeling repressed and frustrated in a time I could have used an outlet. I pushed really hard this summer, by God's grace, to do things that were hard and uncomfortable. Physically and emotionally. Take jogging for example. I shouldn't be a jogger. I have a bum knee, flat feet, I'm overweight, I have three children, and I am usually a short term project kind of gal. For some reason I have pushed to keep this in my life and to meet goals and to be active even when it's hard. The same goes with some things emotionally. All of the sudden, these things I had worked really hard at were put on hold. I could kind of feel my identity and my confidence fading. Add my grandfather passing on top of it and a super disorganized home a schedule. All of it happened at once. Left me reeling. Thankfully, God is good. He keeps my attention everyday and brings me back to my greater purpose- being Christ to others and raising up little girls who love Him and love others.  Even when there is a bump in the road, an injury, a few pounds gained, a messed up schedule, a less then perfect home, and a personal wound- I. Am. His. Nothing steals that away. He created me to do hard things. He also gives me grace. The last two months it was okay to take a break. To grieve over different losses. To try to find a new normal and to rest in the hands of my God. I hear Him whisper to me that it is time to stand up. Do the hard stuff. It might be cold and dark out but it's time to jog again. Time for me to Walk again. 

This post is personal to me but I really felt like I needed to share it. I am still learning how to be this healthier version of myself and how to fit it in. I'm excited for a new season of getting back to who I am created to be. I'll keep ya posted!

Modesty

I saw a girl walking around the mall in what appeared to be spray painted pants. If she would have been wearing underwear you would have seen the lines. I walked of the store just to find another girl with shorts so short her cheeks were bouncing in and out as she walked. My blog. My rant. Parents:teach your kids the value of their body! Kids: put some clothes on and have some respect for yourself! If you knew the thoughts that go through some people's mind you would put on a parka and the bag first sweatpants you could find!

My prayer for my girls: 

I pray that my girls would value their bodies enough to keep them covered. I pray that they would know that they are special and important, so much so that they don't need to find approval through the clothing they wear. I pray that their worth is displayed through their actions and their words. I pray that they would protect their hearts and that they would be in relationships (friendship and romance) that are encouraging to their love for Christ and their confidence in Him. 

My girls are so lovely and beautiful...I can't wait to see the things they will do in their lives. I am already so proud of them. 

Confidence

 I have always had a really low self esteem. When I saw low self esteem I mean in every way possible...I am awkward....I am ugly...I am fat...I am not liked....years and years I have felt that I don't add to much and that I needed to do A B and C to get to where I was supposed to. It's something I have been working on for a long time. Trying to accept that I am beautiful and loved is something that has improved because I have Jamie as a living example of it...he loves me and thinks I am gorgeous. There are  friends who have helped to...but it is amazing how one simple statement can change everything you think of yourself.

I was at church a couple of Sundays ago chatting it up with our head of worship. She saw Jamie's cool paragon tattoo on his arm and said that it looked neat. I immediately showed her the matching tattoo on my foot

My matching Paragon Tatt

She looked at my foot and asked what the symbol was and why we had matching. I explained to her how we play Mass Effect and it is the "do right" symbol. I told her we wanted to get something matching and since we played together we thought we would let our nerdy side show. She then something that I didn't expect and truly appreciate. "Jean, I just love that. You are both so comfortable with who you are because Christ is in you and is your true identity." I think I didn't expect it because she is a little more conservative and an older generation. But I hung on those words the entire next week. It is true...Christ is my identity...and He speaks on my behalf. I started unraveling more thoughts in my brain. He not only created me to be unique and different....He also intended me to be that way and loves me that way.

From that point I just started to embrace everything about myself. I have come up with a sort of mental list of what makes up me...not that I need a list to make up who I am...but I just like it....I like me. I want to stay that way. Ya know, liking myself.

It has also shown me that I do not need people in my life who I am trying to impress or be a certain person for. I mean don't get me wrong there will always be room for growth and I am by no means perfect....but I really am tired of trying to act a certain way or be a certain person just to make someone else happy. Im not talking about sin issues or anything like that...just my personality and who I am.  I look back in the past and see relationships where all I wanted to do was impress or please...and really it's not okay.

I told Jamie just the other day that I feel like I am confident enough now to be the person I love and the person I need to be for me, my friends, my family...and that I would be intentional about NOT trying to impress every dawgon person on the planet. Of course, the very next day I feel like my words were under attack but I did pretty good...I stood up for me.

It's kind of a freeing feeling. I am who I am ....at church, work and home. And people can take it or leave it. I know that when it comes down to it Christ will use me, exactly how I am, to do His work and deeds. Its nice to know I am the way I am because He created me this way, needs me this way and loves me this way.

Weight: +3/ Self Esteem: -7

Today was a pretty good day...I had fun with my girls, was able to talk to Barbara, Guy and Mom for a combined totally of like 2.5 hours...I cleaned a little...folded laundry. But at the end of the day I just felt so crappy. My self confidence seems to have plummeted. I skipped two days of working out and tried to keep the calories down and still managed to gain 3 lbs. Please tell me how this can work! I am so frustrated. I was going to just not work out today, props to Jamie who got on the treadmill despite my awful attitude. After he was done I decided to give it a go....and here is what my attitude looked like .....
 not good....


So I got on the treadmill and the first song I heard was Brandon Heath's I will lay you down. While I don't think it is a song written for weight loss and working out...it just fit. I feel so angry with myself right now and just ...no beautiful. And I know that is a lie and it is not true and it is not how God wants me to feel. I don't know why I feel angry about it, normally I would just be sad...but tonight I was actually angry. I don't know how I feel now. Maybe I should just throw my scale away and work out everyday for the rest of my life. HAHA anyway...Thanks, Jamie for being the better person and doing what is best for us. Maybe tomorrow I won't be so moody... (The video on this song isn't necessarily what I would have picked..but it was the only version of the song I could find!)

Not the day for any kind of self esteem

Today was a frustrating day. I started my new "eating right habits" and it was just annoying. I only had 500 calories until dinner, then I ate what I wanted in small portions and until I was content...not full...just satisfied. I went and worked out...came home and had a 150 calorie snack. Now...it may not sound like the most fantastic plan, but I KNOW that I cut out a huge portion of what I eat and I worked out on top of it. I am going to continue to do this till I see results and until I have money to buy healthier things...in the meantime I have no choice but to use the things in my cabinets and just be thankful I have something. SO yes, frustrating day..the diet...my acne, ugh I don't even know what is going on with it. I just want it to go away and I want to treat it but can't at the moment. Also none of my clothes fit me right, so I look frumpy and blah and it doesn't matter anyway because if I did have cute stuff I wouldn't have time to fix myself up because I always come last in the equation. (Get kids up, change and bathe kids, feed kids, entertain kids, nap the kids, clean the house, get kids up, change kids, feed kids, oh look Jamie's home, feed him too, and shower) LOL Ok So it may seem like I am kind of complaining here...I love my life, I love what I do, I love my kids and my hubby...but I can do without the acne, the frumpy look, the clothes not fitting, the lack of healthy food, and the lack of money to fix acne, clothing,food problems. *sigh* I'm sorry. It was just a weird and frustrating day and I am praying that God passes some hope my way and that I can just keep my chin up and remember that I have two daughters, a husband, and a Creator who thinks that I am beautiful.

Catching up

I am in the middle of moving so bare...bear...???...with me as I am here and there on my blog!

Work: SUX! I am so mad at them! Not only was I demoted earlier this summer...and then told I couldn't relocate to a different store (just for my own sanity and refreshment)...and not being paid the correct amount per hour...I was just told I owe the company $330 because somewhere in the time I have been there they over paid me and want me to pay them back a little bit at a time. Uhm. No. Sorry. Hopefully they wont take my last check because we really need the money and I really don't want to decided whether or not to take them to court. BLAH....yuck HOWEVER, I do felt like I received a little bit of closure with my Regional Manager who said I had great customer service, good energy, and shook my hand and wished me all the best of luck.

Church: Sunday was our last day with our church family and I cried nearly all day. I was on worship team, said goodbye to lots of people after service, had Stac over for the afternoon, than went to Gumrai Thai for the evening with our group. Yea. Cried the last 15 minutes...Jamie and I hardly talked all the way home...and then there was crying on and off the rest of the evening and hardly any happiness. Even Monday I caught myself crying here and there. And today I had a moment where it took everything in me not to burst out in tears. I am going to really really miss this group of people. I know that God brings you into and takes you out of places all the time. I think 80 percent of the reason God brought us up here was to meet these people and make life long friends.

Home: Our home is nearly packed up...just the kitchen and clothes and we are KINDA procrastinating ; ) We have a truck reserved for Friday. On Thursday we are going to move everything in to the garage so that when we DO get the truck we will just load it from there. Utilities are nearly set up, just one more phone call and a stop in Peru's office.

Family: Justice is growing like a weed and Jubilee is learning new words and phrases by the minute! Ricky is coming tomorrow to help us load up. GUY is flying into Ohare on Monday (which means I am driving back up here lol) and then my parents will be coming the following Thurs for an early Christmas...SO I have lots going on with that as well : ) Middle of this month I am also planning to go see all of my cousins in Ohio....WHAT A CRAZY MONTH!!!!

Me: I am feeling good. Even though I have a LOT going on and a LOT to think about...I am super thankful. God has paved the way for all of this and has given me a good attitude even in the hard times. I am normally not good with change (I am sure I will find my meltdown moments any day now) but so far so good. I also still feel this intimacy with God and am thankful that He is faithful to me and loves me...even when I feel super busy or am feeling down.

WELL that's my update....will be on here when I can!

The Dark Ages

I was reading some of my old blogs, from my first blog, and I was remembering just how dark my life was back then. At the end of most of the entries I would say something like "I need prayer" or "please pray for me". I think it is amazing that God listened to that and brought me out of that. I know LOTS of people were praying for me at the time, and if you were one of those people, thank you. We all go through "dark" times...and not just once in life, they circle back around. I know I am susceptible to it...but I am just thankful that God is faithful to me even when I can't be faithful to Him. I was telling a friend the other day that there was one point in my life that I told God that He was going to have to pick me up, because I didn't want to try anymore and I didn't even want to talk to Him because I knew I was so far away from Him. He was faithful. I don't like going back and thinking about that dark place, but I know that it is a good reminder to remember that He brought me out of that.

Home schooled?

Jamie and I hope that we are able to home school are kids. Now those plans could change, we are open to changes when it comes to education. BUT I would absolutely love it if I had the chance to teach them for a couple of years. SO every now and then I think of an idea and I think I am going to share them, if nothing else, to have them written somewhere so I don't forget.

I want to challenge my kids to take up a cause. It can be anything...cure for cancer, saving a rain forest, feeding the homeless...I want to challenge them to find what they are passionate about and I want to help them make a difference with it.

I also want to teach them to question things (I know...scary right?!) but I think it is important to know both sides of something and why. The other day this kid came up to me and asked me to buy apples for a fund raiser (he was in 8th grade) when I asked what it was for he said he didn't know but his teacher told him to do it. Wow...now this 8th grader could be kind of lazy, but how much of that came from not being challenged to find out why things are the way they are!

I also have ideas for essays such as "My Favorite Thing about Myself" we could even make it a two parter, one having to do with physical looks and one on personality.

unrelated to schooling I would also like to challenge my children during the holidays to really focus on the reasons we have them. I LOVE Christmas, for the giving of it...and I hope my children can find that also. Maybe have them donate lightly used toys of theirs and have them pick it out.

Just ideas that I want to remember

Saved

I was listening to the song "Jesus Saves" which my friend Barbara posted not to long ago. I was thinking about how Jesus saved me, once and for all. Jesus paid the debt of my sins...past, present, and future. And then it just kinda of hit me...... I think sometimes, as a Christian who believes once saved always saved, I forget that He is still working on me and molding me. Jesus is still saving me from myself, at this very momet.

Words

I wish people's words did not affect me. Unfortunately I have always been this way. It used to be really bad where I worried what EVERYONE thought about me. I do admit I still am bad about it, but that had to change when I became a mother. I can't very well be worrying about what everyone thinks...that could affect the way I raise my children and also the way I react to the things they go through and their behavior. No. I definately have changed in that area. I am not afraid to speak up especially when it comes to my daughter and I generally dont care what people think of me because I know I am doing my best and my kid is pretty well behaved.

But every once in a while...there is just someone who knows how to say the right thing. Makes you feel so little. I know what was said to me is not true and I know I took it way to much to heart. But I think I get upset about things like this because I am a people pleaser...and there are just some people out there that it doesn't matter how hard you try they will still be hateful and decietful and just full of ugliness.

Right now with this situation I keep thinking...did I do anything wrong. And I didn't. So why do I care...especially when this person could care less if I drop dead. Then part of me thinks...retaliate...tell them how you feel about them make them feel just as big. I have never been that person though. Kill them with kindness? I lose either way because even that is said to be two faced.

I wish I didn't question my character.

I am being so vague right now...and I appologize. Just needed to get this off my chest and try to sleep.

Trying to Change

For the past week and a half I have come to realize that I have not challenged myself in anyways for a while, as far as spiritual things go. I know I am a "decent" person. Im not cruel and hateful and I'm not selfish and materialistic. But even though I am not these things I know I can still improve on myself.

I am a person who believes you can grow through lots of things...and you dont have to be one of those Bible thumpin' , go to every church function, only listen to the Christian radio people to be a wholesome and good person. I even believe there are some situations that call for you to step out of church and be in limbo and there is NOTHING wrong with that. God is not in a box...even though we try to put Him in one everyday. All that being said... I do feel like there is a part of myself that wants to grow my character just a little more....just be a little more of an example to "the world" and "fellow man".

I have read lots of great scripture this last week on fruits of the Spirit. I decided that it was time to build on my character and what better way than trying to be like the Big Man Himself right? So I started googling a new "fruit" everyday... Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Goodness, Kindness, Self control. It was pretty fun the things you find on google and it is a lot easier than pulling out a concordance : ) One verse that really really caught my attention was in Titus

Titus3:1 & 2 Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.

This verse has so much packed into....but I really feel like it is a good one for myself to memorize. I think this verse could especially be hard to practice in the work place. People always talking about one another or authorities...I know it was hard for me to try not to gossip when I was at work. I think I am going to try and memorize this verse and apply it to my life. I acknowledge that I need a little bit more discipline in my life....and I am going to start now.

Appreciating myself

I watched a documentary called "American the Beautiful" and afterward decided I am going to be determined to like myself.

The documentary is about how much the media affects us and how we think we should look and feel. And media is EVERYWHERE..billboards, posters, banners, movies, commercials...yadda yadda yadda....afterward we watched another one called Killer at Large which is about obesiety in America. I know polar opposites but good for me...

So I started praying that

1.) God would help me to be healthy and more organic. I need to walk around a couple times a week and be healthy...I need to choose oranges over chips and baked potatoes over fries...the little things

2.) I need to love myself. There are so many time I pick myself apart but I am a beautiful woman. EVEN when I am creating a life and look like a massive blob I am what God wants me to be. (Especially if I obey number one and help myself to feel better)

I have a friend who is so happy with herself. Her name is Stac and she didn't even wear makeup to her own wedding...you know why?....because she didn't need to! SHE IS GORGEOUS and she appreciates herself for her. I want to be like that. And I am going to.

I looked in the mirror this morning...with my large belly and all...and I saw that I am carrying life and I am sacraficing my body so that another being can come into the world. Ill have these huge hips and mommy butt the rest of my life but thats ok. Because I am creating something beautiful. And I want my children to look at me and see a woman who is confident in herself and in them also. And when my little girl who may eventually look like me sees that I love myself.....she can love herself and know that she is just what I and what God wants her to be. Beautiful.