Tough times continue....but God is STILL good

There are a few reasons I started this blog. I LOVE to reflect and remember specific details. I also love to write when I need to process things. This entry might be a little more specific than I normally am...but it helps me process and feel better. Not that I am warning you, but consider yourself aware that I am not having so much a pity party....but just trying to process this.

Jamie and I aren't in the best financial shape. We are aware of it but find many other blessings in our lives. We have beautiful children, we have each other, we have the Lord, wonderful friends, family, and support. But when it comes to the green stuff...it's just our "lot" to go without it.

Recently I tried to apply for assistance with food stamps and with health care for my girls. I submitted all the documents I could and called to check on it and they told me even more documents to send...and then a third time. The last time I called I asked if there were anymore documents they needed proving that I was an existing person on the planet and they told me two more things and reassured me that I could relax. YEA. Today I got a HUGE packet in the mail as if I had just applied for assistance, asking me to send in all of the documents over again plus four more items, one including a letter from family video, stating that I not only had resigned but that I was not working very much in November because I was transferring. I. am. so. frustrated. I don't understand why it should be so hard to get help. I do realize that this is tax money we are using, I do realize that we have become apart of the system. But I am looking for work even though we only have one vehicle and Jamie already works 50ish hours a week...which are at the most random times and really make it difficult for anyone to want to hire me around his schedule (GASP) sorry that was totally a run-on sentence. But I am so irritated. Why is it that hard working people have a hard time finding things. It was just a slap in the face...as I had convinced myself that this was the week that we would find some ease. Unfortunately, it is just another process.
I just want to move on from this. I want to be able to afford nicer, healthier foods to feed my family. Why is it cheaper to eat at McDonald's then to make filling salads for my family? Why do I have to open up cans of ravioli instead of being able to make something lean and healthy and not injected with salt. (Don't get me wrong at least we are eating right?) I just don't understand. And the financial thing is just something I process over and over and over again. Do you tell people about it? I don't want to be prideful and withhold it but I don't want to make people have a pity party over me. I am trying to embrace this life the best I can but sometimes I am just discouraged and left wondering why we are still in this predicament. It's embracing when people want to eat out and we have to make an excuse why we cant. I don't want to be rude and not tell them why but I don't want them to feel obligated to pay. Also I would invite them over but many times we don't even have enough to make a complete meal. This last month was pretty good...don't get me wrong ....I just for see a famine ahead. (I don't mean literally) SO...do I just buy the groceries I need now and worry about the bills when they get shut off? Do you trust God to give you food? Or do you trust God to pay your bills? I don't know. I really don't

Lord, I know you are in control of all things. I know that you know my heart. I want to serve you in the best way I know how and if this is the way to serve you, through humbling myself and enduring this harder path, then please give me strength to keep walking it and please allow me to trust you entirely. I do give You praise, You are always a Rock in good and bad times. And You are always good. Help me to keep that in mind.

"Motherly" advice

THE worst thing...you can ever do...like ever... is compare some one's kids. I have had one too many times now "I cant wait for her (points at littlest one) to be her(points at toddler) age" I wont go in to detail, but way too many people have told me that now. I know they do not realize they come off that way...but for me, my daughters are both equally adorable and equally holdable....so please...treat them equal. "oh well she isn't really at the stage I like (pointing at Justice)" Please...break my heart. Once again people don't realize how often they say this and how it comes off. And no, I do not feel I am being to emotional about it because I know of other mothers who feel the same. I think this is why people say I "spoil" Justice and why I won't put her down. Because I am making up for everyone else who runs to Jubilee instead. Both of my daughters are fantastic....size, shape, weight, and age factor into that.

OK. I have said my piece. How would you deal with this?

Convictions

I feel like God has been working on my heart in a few areas lately...

The first one is finances. He has really. been. working. on. me. Really, it has been a hard road. I feel like I am still coming to terms with the fact that we aren't as blessed as other people when it comes to finances. But that is ok. I am still learning how to use the things that I DO have to glorify Him. I find it funny how much I want to do and give to other people. Like God gave me this heart of hospitality, but that I don't have much to do with it. I am learning that the things I find precious and mean a lot to me, may not to other people, but I shouldn't be ashamed to share them just because of how they are valued to others.

The next one is being green! I have been really convicted by Pastor Kirk's discussions lately about caring for creation. This world was given to us and we really aren't taking care of it. I know I am just one person but I am going to start recycling once we move and maybe even start a garden. I am going to shove my kids outside and let them just soak up nature and learn from the things God put right in front of us. I am also getting rid of stuff that is just sitting in our house that we don't use and donating it to people who may need it...not just want it.

Number three would be church politics. For the longest time I have stayed away from this subject. I hate politics...they confuse me and make me worry about the right and wrong decision. They just really take me out of my comfort bubble. I have been thinking lately how important it is for people my age to step up, be involved, and apart of church politics. We may not like how things are run or how things are set up...but who is going to grow the church if we all just sit at home on our ass'. I'm worried that the church will die, I wonder if our parents or there parents ever thought this too....maybe I am worrying way to much. Either way...I know I am just one person...once again...I need to do what I can. Don't get me wrong, I do know that church can be in more than just one setting, I am just worried that the idea of meeting in the name of the Lord and sharing with one another will be gone sooner than we think.

My last conviction is a bit of a controversy, but I am tired of not talking about it. I have finally got to the point that I just become upset about how ignorant people are about this topic.

Homosexuality and the church. I am so tired of people saying things about homosexuals and how they are unworthy of God's love, or can't truly be saved. This group of people is loved by God exactly the same as we are. I do think that homosexuality is a sin, the Bible clearly shows God does not favor it. (When He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah) BUT He also does not favor:

hoarding -when the Israelites kept extra manna for themselves in disbelief God would not provide more, God rotted it and brought bugs and mold into their camp.
lust- David lusted after another man's wife and the result was a curse upon his house and his baby dying
jealousy- Cain was jealous of Abel and killed him...sending him to wander and struggle all of his days
gossip- the snake in the garden went around gossiping and spreading uncertainties to Adam and Eve which resulted in man's first sin and hardships for mankind as we know it

I can go on and on...point is...a sin is a sin and I am NOT going to sit here and say that someone who lives the homosexual lifestyle is less than I am or is unworthy to sit in a church and listen to God's word. Like Pastor Paul says "I don't care if they come and sit in my church, as long as they are prepared to hear what the Bible says about it"

It is not my place to judge people, it is God's. I do believe that there are people living this lifestyle that are saved and are going to heaven. All man lives in sin and continues to sin up until the day he dies, and it isn't my place to say that their struggle is a worse struggle than my own.

If we aren't willing to show others the love of Christ, than who will?

Feel free to leave comments about any of the above topics. I'm stepping off my soap box for now. ; )

Annoying

I went to the doctor today to get checked up on my incision (which is finally healing properly!) and was very annoyed when I felt pressured into using birth control that I know nothing about and have no desire at this point in time to try. The doctor seriously acted as though I was ignorant when I told him that I don't feel comfortable using the pill because of how many of my friends have complained about it. (Mostly the mood that it tends to put people in) He rolled his eyes at me. Really? I think it is MY body and MY choice....then he shoved a Mirena flyer in my face and told me to read up on it and come back in three weeks to talk about it....then he left the room. ....... uhm ok then. The nurse came back in and told me we were all through and told me to come back in 3 weeks. I told her I was not coming back because my insurance is through cobra right now (which is soooo expensive) and I didn't intend to pay for another month of it just to come back. She insisted that I come back in three weeks. Just. for. birth control. options. SO all I got from this visit is that they want to get more money out of me. If that was not there intention they did not do a very good job of communicating that to me. ANNOYING!

Bug Holocaust

Yesterday was Jamie's day off...we slept in a while...I had a doctors appointment....and I was thinking to myself....cornbread and beans sound SO good for lunch. So I went out and got some bacon and bean soup and came home all set to make lunch. Pulled the Jiffy cornbread mix out of the cabinet.....and there were little itty bitty bugs in it....also known as flour bugs. I was so disappointed and not to mention freaked out. So I threw the box away not really thinking much of it as these things DO happen.

Jamie told me not to fret he would make curry instead! Yum! I love his curry...so I told him I would get the rice ready. Guess what. More bugs! Now I am in FREAK OUT mode! Start pulling my dry goods out of the cabinet to find them in noodles, rice, mixes, flour, pretty much alllll of my dry goods! At this point I was so upset I just started throwing it all away even if it wasn't opened!

I immediatley got out bleach and soap and water and started scrubbing all the cabinets out, demanding Jamie take out all the garbage immediately and vacuum and take out the canister...NO MORE BUGS! I was on a mission! I know these things happen to people...but I felt so dirty. YUCK!

Joyce came by and surprised us last night with new groceries (she is a flippin' saint) and ziploc baggies to put everything in until this problem subsides for good. As far as I know the bugs are gone but it makes me feel so uneasy!

Have you ever had this happen?!? What did you do? Where you a freak like me? ; )

The End of My Rope

I am so pregnant....I mean I know I have been pregnant lol but I am SO at the end of this. Everything I do I have to psych myself up... "Jean, just bend over and pick up the heath bar wrapper that you dropped...it will just take a few seconds" or "Ok Jean...its not THAT hard to open the dish washer and put stuff away...is it?" I know these things sound soooo silly....but I am super exhausted and have no energy. I feel like as soon as I clean Jubilee pulls everything back out anyway and I am back to square one. Also...I am to that sleeping point...where I can try and sleep but I have to move every half hour and I wake up feeling completely unrested. Hips....oh man...they are the worst. At least the ribs aren't an issue anymore : )

Yesterday the heat was the WORST! I drove Jamie to work (our truck has no AC) and dropped him off....by the time I got to my Dr. appointment I was so upset and hot and just mad. The CNA asked me how I was feeling and I started crying....its just too damn hot for this pregnant lady. At least we got the csection shceduled! August 30th, which is a Monday and which is what I prayed for. Thanks Lord : )

I know all of this jibber jabber seems rediculous...but I am just through! I would love to get this place spotless and go out shopping or something...but my body is just done. Doesn't want to do anything but sleep eat and veg in my recliner.

It has also been hard adjusting to being a stay a home mommy again because I am here for long hours on end with Jubilee (who I LOVE hanging out with by the way) but sometimes I just miss having adult time. I have all the time in the world and forget that all my friends have lives and things to do...while I just sit around and wait. Sounds selfish I know...but it is just how I feel.

Oh Lord please help me find some encouragement somewhere.

XBOX LIVE

I don't normally go off on rants....but today...I am totally ticked. Ticked beyond belief.

I am one of those customers that just kind of go with things. I dont complain when my meal is slightly wrong at a restaurant or get mad when people won't let me exchange things. I am a go with the flow kind of a consumer.

BUT TODAY....I am not so happy...

Last week my brother bought me an XBOX live gold subscription for a year. We use this so that we can play online together and its like we are hanging out because we have mics and everything. NORMALLY this comes out of our bank account...an automatic deduction every month. It is super easy to cancel at ANY time because we do it every once in a while. SO I turned off the auto payment and entered the code to have XBOX Live in all of it's glory for a year!

And then....they took out a payment. Well my brother decided to call because he is loving and kind and we don't have any minutes to be on hold for a few minutes. Well good thing I didnt call because my brother spent nearly TWO HOURS on the phone. The first person said they were sorry but could not refund the money. They would give us a code to put into the xbox so that the xbox knew not to charge us every month. But this process would take five days....but in the meantime they took our gift card off of the subscription AND cancelled our Gold memebership. So not only are we out the monthly subscription but they took the gift card. When Guy asked why they explained that the money that was taken out of the account was to pay for the previous month.........uhm....I am pretty sure when I turn on my subscription I pay that day...and not for the previous month....for the month to come.

HENCE THE RANT

Guy is still on the phone with these people (even though i told him to not worry about it) ...going on 3 hours and I am just beside myself that microsoft can't afford to hire people with common sense or customer service skills. FINALLY a representative told him the deal and is fixing the problem. Good-Ness.

That is my rant....I had to get it out or I was going to drive Jamie crazy.

If I didn't so depend on XBOX to hang out with my lil brudder I would be cancelling services with them. Which bring me to this.... does it ever make you frustrated that a company or product does not offer you the best service but you still cant find the will power to leave it? HAH

Tying my shoes

My friend Barbara and I always come around to this conversation. God teaches you something...and then He teaches you again. She says "It feels like He is just pushing that same button over and over again". Its so true. I have no idea why God brings me back around in this same circle but He does. Lets just say the problem was....keeping my shoes tied. OK (Lame I know but it works) For some reason I have these untied shoes and I cant tie them myself. I try and I try and God just wants me to leave them be. I am slightly embarassed though because other people around me have there shoes tied...why am I unable to keep mine tied. Eventually I figure out how I can take care of it, and then they come untied again. He sends someone to help me or teach me how to double knot them. This works for a while but eventually the shoes become untied once again and I am back in the same predicament. It may be years before the shoes become untied or weeks....but for some reason it always comes back to it. Its not so much a temptation or sin He is teaching me about...its just my area of struggle....the place He keeps putting me and I just don't like it to much!

WELL My shoes are once again untied. I had them tied for a long while but I guess for some reason or another God just wants me to be content with them untied. So I am sucking it up once again and walking around with untied shoes. Its hard because I feel as though people are looking at me saying...why are her shoes untied again? Didn't she learn how to tie them? She must be irresponsible....or a retard. Either way I am ok with it this time. God is teaching me something...or someone else. Maybe I am just tying them wrong? Maybe someone else needs to learn how to help me with it? I know that eventually God will tie them back up for me...and one day I hope He gives me velcroe shoes for pity's sake : )

Irritated...

We have been praying about moving for months now....and God has been so faithful to us in providing answers for us....and up until about two weeks ago we really felt Gods will working in our lives. OF COURSE....the devil has a way of planting dumb things in your mind. AND IT MAKES ME ANGRY! Its good to sort through things but I need to remember that GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL AND HAS A PLAN NO MATTER HOW MANY LITTLE DOUBTS ARE PUT IN MY MIND! BAAAAAH!

Kay...just needed to say that. Hoping to find out tomorrow where we will be.

What is wrong with people?

I had a middle aged woman, who has three kids all grown, tell me the other day "You need to just stop having children after this one. Two is enough...get your tubes tied."

First reaction: HOW IS THIS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS?????

Of course I didnt say that. I just stared at her blankly and didn't say anything.

How can a mother say that? She really meant it too. All I hear from that is "I resent my last child". I just have to say...my daughter is my pride and joy! AND the one I am carrying now I will be proud of too...and IF I am blessed with more than the two in my life now I will be thanking God that He allowed me to care for and love children and bring them up to love Him. I am just beside myself with these comments! Not only because it is NONE of her business what I do with my life but also because how can you lack so much love?

Later I said something about how Jubilee is getting so big and how I wish she could stay little. (She is just a doll!) I didnt really mean that...I meant...I love this part of her developement and life and I embrass it. The husband of the opinionated woman looks at me and says...well enjoy this age now because when they get older they have a mind of their own and you just wanna kill yourself.

Ok then....

Mental Note: always let my kids know how proud I am of them. No matter how old they are and no matter how many of them there are and no matter how rotten they become.

You know you picked the wrong Motel when...

The first thing you smell is smoke when you walk in.

You spill water and go to clean it up off the tiled floor and the towel is black.

The fridge and microwave are only decoration, because they do not work.

There is no shower head.

You can hear people breathing in the next room.

You dont even care that your puppy just pooped on the floor....as soon as you remove it they will never even know it was there.

YEA. That was a motel we stayed at, on a rainy stormy night, because our truck wasnt cooperating in the rain on our 8 hours trip to Michigan. It was a nightmare! Fortunatley the next day it was nice enough out that we could drive the rest of the way. ALTHOUGH if I would have known what the problem is I am not sure I would have. The ball joint to the drivers side wheel had torn threw the frame....leave that wheel unattatched and free to roam without any accountability from the rest of the truck! YIKES!

When we finally arrived things were nice though. We were able to watch cops with Dad, play on their wii, go shopping with everyone, make a late night run with Guy and Cora, go to church together, AND mom made me chicken and noodles with mashed potatoes to help an URGENT craving : )

The trip back was lovely. The truck feels new again and I feel content with it. We stopped at a couple of places then went to bed slightly early because Jamie didnt feel well.....which leads to...

YOU CANT EVER COME HOME FROM A TRIP AND THINGS RUN SMOOTHELY...

The vaccum decided to quit the moment we got home. Yay. BUT God provided and we found a dirt devil at best buy for 30 bucks! WOA! Also Jamie has been so sick....I think it may be change in weather...but it kicked up some congestion and head cold stuff for him and I felt so bad going to work yesterday : (

Jubilee is now walking everywhere including outside...she has been..but I cant believe how fast she is! She has two bottom teeth in front, and one on top...and then the two which we refer to as her vampire teeth :) She has also discovered her belly botton and like to randomly say "HEY" and lift her shirt and point at it. HAHA It is the cutest thing. Yesterday I heard her say Hi Dada...which made me so happy! AND she learned how to say boo.

Baby number two has started moving here and there....I dont think they are big enough for me to feel all the time though. Yesterday I was asked...are you having twins?... HELLO I AM ONLY 15 WEEKS! I still have till SEPTEMBER!....geez way to make me feel fat.

I have an interview in Indy next week for a position at one of the southern locations...not sure which one yet so PLEASE pray that it is one of the northern southern stores : ) We would like to be like 2 hours away from Peru...not 5 : )

Well its gorgeous and Im off to work!

*warning*

*warning* If you are an extremely sensitive person and take too much heart please read disclaimer at the bottom of this entry BEFORE reading the rest of this blog.


I am completely obsessed with going into labor! I cannot stop thinking about it! All I want to do is deliver this child! I feel like I have gone completely insane! I am constantly thinking "Will it be now? How about tonight? What was that little ache? What was that little pain? IS SHE COMING OR WHAT?!?!?!) I know I am still 8 days away from my due date...anything can happen! It could be now, right on my due date, or they might have to induce me because my little butterball turkey has decided she is more comforable in my belly! She has got to be close to 8.5 lbs by now, what more could she need to do in there?!?! She is just putting on layers and kicking me in the ribs...she can put on layers out here and kick me in the face for all I care!! I JUST WANT HER OUT! ** To make matters worse...for some reason every single person you encounter has to say some little comment to you as if you have never heard it or even want to hear it. " When are you due? OH that is so soon! Could be any day now..." Thank you so much I didn't know that. "Is it a boy or a girl? What is the name? Oh that is interesting/nice/pretty." Thank you, I will sleep better now knowing that you like it. Then you have the people who think for some reason you want to hear the WORST experience they know of. "My daughter in law was in labor for 48 hours" "I know of a girl who had trouble because her baby's feet got caught in her rib cage" "You know, it could be a whole month after your due date that you go into labor" Well thank you so much for sharing...I am going to go home and cry now. And then of course you have your advice givers. "Get all the rest you can now" "You shouldn't be working anymore! You need to stay at home and rest" (which I am not working anymore just to let you know) "If you want her to come faster you should walk more" "Dont eat spicy food, drink caffiene, blah blah blah" You are the only person who has told me that this entire 9 months! I know that every single person who has said something to me or commented or given me common knowledge advice is just doing it because they are just genuinly interested in my life. I just want my identity back...the only thing people know me for right now is the pregnant lady...so for some reason that is all they talk to me about. I appreciate that everyone cares and all that mess....but I am just ready to be Jean again...not pregger Jean. Am I crazy? Is this normal to be feeling all of this?!?


**Disclaimer: the previous comments and opinions are those of an insane pregnant lady. Any sarcastic comments may or may not be slightly true. This blog was written so that everyone could get a good laugh...none of the following comments should be taken personally or with seriousness as I am a basket case.