Feels like it is failing. Within the last year I have had a lot happen with my career. I not only went from 7 hours a week to 48 but I have also gone through two managers and three disctrict managers. I ran the store I work in...on my own...on 25 hours a week with no help and only working evenings THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS....and here my regional manager is telling me "Jean, you did a better job then than you are now..." disheartening to say the least. I used to be someone who was going somewhere and someone who was doing fantastic and amazing things and now because of one write up...ONE WRITE UP...over a clearly miscomunicated topic and followed by many humbling apologetic conversations on my own part....I am on "serious grounds" and getting a "second chance" and "being questioned about my work ethic". YUCK. YUCK. YUCK. I hate all of it.
I took over full time and had Jamie stay at home because not only did it fit for our family at this point in time but I enjoyed my job. Now I feel like I am constantly being judged and am under a magnifying glass. Things that were not an issue before, or with other managers currently for that matter, are now under constant picking apart and I am just frustrated.
Nasty huh? These are all things that have building up for a month and I am just now getting them off my chest. If I dont vent about it I will explode.
SO the thing that I am telling myself through all of this is that God is still my Father and He is still faithful. He knows my heart and He knows that my "bad work ethic" is forgiven. God has gotten over it even when my employers haven't. That is really hard for me. As a Christian I have been taught and raised that you forgive and forget and you move on and so does God. No one told me that your boss doesn't feel the same way. The same issue has been brought to my attention at least five times since my write up EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NOT MADE THE SAME MISTAKE AND HAVE NO INTENTION OF IT. It's really humbling. And it is hard not to let it affect my personal confidence and self esteem...afterall I spend nearly 50 hours a week at this job, how am I not supposed to breath it in and out?
And the worst part is, I am forgetting how much people love me...because of this one thing. I have friends, staff, customers, church family, new friends, old friends, parents, siblings, my daughter and amazing husband who think the world of me. And all I do is focus on the opinions of these TWO PEOPLE...two. Its tearing me down in confidence (like pregnancy doesnt do that anyway.)
I am so thankful that this isnt how God operates....constantly sending me reminders and little hints about what I did and not letting me grow because of the things I have done. Instead He grows me more and loves me more...takes me in more....not shun me.
Please pray for wisdom in this matter. I know it seems like I am just going on a crazy rant here....but I really do intend to sit down with my superiors and talk to them about this matter. I dont deserve to be treated this way and I have intentions of trying to get this matter cleared up. I just need to pull from God and be confident in the fact that He loves me and I just CANT TAKE THIS SO MUCH TO HEART.
I would say I am sorry for this post....but I know that the people who are reading this post love me and its ok to just lean once in a while. So thanks for just supporting me by reading this. I needed to get it off my chest.
2 comments:
That's absolutely right! You NEVER need to apologize for feeling frustrated and worn down. I love you just the way you are. I'm SO sorry that the job isn't going well, and I will definitely pray about it.
Also: I would definitely talk to Jim and your manager about getting fair treatment. You have worked your butt off for that company, and you have every right to tell them that. It's the same way where I work. If I don't stand up for myself, I'll get either overlooked or run over. It's exhausting! Let me know how it goes. Love ya!
I take criticism from superiors VERY HARD because I try to be a perfectionist in my work life. I had my boss, who I really liked and got along with, once tell me that one thing that I did, ONE THING, was raising a lot of red flags. Then she brought up the fact that our clinic network was losing money... Pretty much me think "okay, I made one mistake and my job is on the line; nevermind that my work is some of the most consistent in the office, and that my co-workers like and trust me..." I let it get to me for WEEKS until that same boss asked to talk to me about why I was being so quiet, and I told her that her comments really hurt me and worried me and that I was afraid to do much of anything besides my work.
She cried. Seriously. She told me that she didn't mean to come across as so mean but she wanted me to know that my actions, when wrong, are taken seriously. But it was nice to know that she didn't hate me.
It may be the same with you, you did such great work, and if you slipped a little, he may have been worried that if he didn't catch it, he'd lose your good qualities.
Just an idea. I'm sure you're an awesome worker, you're a great mom and friend. You are loved!
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