Awakening

I have so much going through my head in these last few days.... maybe even weeks. I just don't even know how I will put it all into writing.

I feel like I have just been woken up, or sort of...I don't know just "seen the light" on some issues in my life.

I know that I talk about our financial situation a lot. And I just really think I have finally come to terms with it. Really. We got a letter in the mail the other day saying that our daughters were denied health care because of lack of such and such document. Instead of sitting down and moping and crying I just thought...ok God has a different plan, maybe He just needs us to wait for some reason. So I am going to reapply and that is that. Its ok. I just know that we are a privileged family, with lots of love and great friends and family and church family and cats :) and our Faith. I can't have everything you know? I am going to ride this out and we will get better, when God says it's time. I am sure I have blogged things like this in the past but I just am not willing to let it get me down anymore. I don't mind talking about it, I'm not prideful about it, it is what it is and its fine.

Jamie was standing in the bathroom yesterday, I don't even remember what he was doing, and I was putting the girls' dirty clothes in the hamper and they had just gone to bed. And I just realized that life is amazing. For no reason at all, it just hit me. I am never going to have this part back. I may be old one day with my children in far off lands and my husband gone...and this is the time I will be reminiscing over, this is the time I will be wishing I had...I just want to embrace it all because I realize that life will throw curve balls at me and I just don't want to miss this. I love this. I embrace what is to come...but I just love what I have now. God is so good, isn't He? I am just overwhelmed at His goodness and His love towards me. And I realize everyday just how selfish I can be in demanding and expecting more than all that I have in front of me.

That being said...my next thought...what am I offering the world? I hear amazing lyrics from people, or read amazing stories, or see these huge actions that people are taking...and what am I doing? Don't get me wrong, I do a lot in my home and I do what I can for those in my home...but how can I be reaching this lost and hurting world? So many people who just need a hand or just need to know that there is Someone who loves them and is walking next to them. I go through this all the time in my mind. It's time to do something. Blog, write a song, write a book...I don't even know but I am praying about it and I am going to do it. Whatever "it" is. I want to be inspired and I want to put it into words for someone out there.

You may think this post seems emotional or overly passionate...maybe it is...but it is truly from my heart and truly what I want. I want my children to be humble and giving without even questioning it...not by forcing it on them or pounding it into their head, but hopefully by my lifestyle. God is amazing and He can do amazing things through those who intentionally seek Him and look for Him.I can clean up around the edges.... I want to be that person, that vessel. It's time to get over myself and become self-less.